The "I" Essay

I am a man on a journey.

Where am I headed? I honestly have no idea. I am blind and deaf in a world of the blind and deaf. We communicate through mere touches. Something transfers in those touches: understanding — a brief glimpse of something beyond ourselves.

I seek to find myself; I seek a cure to my blindness and my deafness; I seek to understand myself and those that enter my life.

For me, this journey began a little later than it did for most people also partaking in it. Perhaps that is not important. That I began the journey at all is a triumph unto itself.

One day I "woke up" and realized that my life was a mess. I had all the things that a "successful" man is supposed to have. Yet, I was miserable; yet, I hurt people I loved; yet, I was completely dead inside.

I did all the right things for all the wrong reasons.

So, I began doing all the "wrong" things for all the right reasons.

It all began with one small change: one change that turned my life completely around; one change that really began my journey into a bright new world of hope and fascination.

I broke patterns of behavior. I stood up for myself and what I believed, not what everyone else expected me to believe.

I became a stronger man, a smarter man, a more loving man. I lost all and gained more.

I grew.

I carried pain with me and I masked that pain with anger — anger at the things that had damaged and hurt me...

...and I discovered that my anger was eating me up from the inside out.

Now I have resolved to actually feel the pain. No longer will I attempt to cover it up; to mask it with anger or excess pleasure.

Pain brings strength. I will bear this pain and feel it until I am so strong it cannot hurt me anymore. It may not ever go completely way, but I will be strong enough, tough enough to stand up under it.